


Why Should I Have a Heavy Heart?

by StepOutOfTheSun (IminUndertaleHell)



Series: Stepping Into The Sun [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: A bit of medical jargon later on from Evan, But he isn't exactly a doormat (for lack of a better term), Connor tries to make things up to Zoe, Evan has a weird sort of confidence that I projected from myself, Gen, He can stick up for himself, He's not exactly confident, Homophobia, Mention of Past Suicide Attempt, My pitiful attempt to write dialogue with a stutter, Non-Graphic Mention of Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, This Is The Start Of A Series, but doesn't do a great job at it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-11 05:32:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11707824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IminUndertaleHell/pseuds/StepOutOfTheSun
Summary: A suicide attempt that was delayed resulted in an unusual friendship.Nonetheless, the action finally comes to fruition, and the rest are left picking up the pieces.





	1. The Disaster

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I hope you enjoy this!

Evan was sitting on his bed, plucking out a melody on a guitar.

He checked the time. 11:35 P.M.

He needed to go to bed soon.

Connor had gotten the instrument for him as a present after he graduated _and_ had taught him how to play. In return, Evan had taught him how to play the piano.

As he sat and started to write the chords down, his phone rang. It was a loud, siren-like ringtone. This was the emergency line that Zoe put in his phone in case anything happened to-

“Z-Zoe?”

“Evan!” She was speaking through sobs. “C-Connor, he’s-he’s-” She started sobbing again.

“Deep breaths,” he said calmly as he threw a sweater on. He ran down the stairs as she attempted to slow her breathing. Heidi stopped him when he grabbed the car keys. He _hated_ driving, but that wasn’t important at the time.

“Where are you going?”

“Something happened with Connor. Zoe called and she’s calming down right now.” He turned his attention to the phone. “Are you feeling better, Zoe?”

“Connor is in the hospital, Evan.” She took in a shaky breath. “He-He tried again. He hadn’t been taking his medication and stashed it.” Evan put a hand over his mouth and let out a huff.

“I’m going to come over. You can explain the whole situation, and we can go down to the hospital, okay?”

“Okay.” Her voice was weak. She hung up and Evan stopped for a second. He leaned on the table.

“Connor’s in the hospital,” he said. His voice was heavy and serious. “He had been stashing his meds.” He ran a hand over his face as tears flooded his eyes. “I-I-I need to go and calm her down. I’m go-going with her t-to the hospital a-a-after that.” Heidi stood and wrapped her son in a hug.

“I’ll come with, Cynthia is probably a mess,” Heidi laughed and took the keys from Evan’s hand. “And _I’ll_ drive.” With that, the two walked out the door.

\--

Heidi was right; Cynthia was a mess.

She was sitting on the couch, staring at a wall. Heidi sat next to her and put a hand on her knee. This small contact is what broke her. She turned and sobbed into her shoulder.

Evan walked up the stairs and opened Zoe’s door slowly. She was sitting on her bed and scribbling something in a notebook.

“Zoe.” His voice was soft. She looked up and smiled, tears brimming her eyes. He walked over to her and she pulled him into a hug. “I need the whole story, Zo.” He sat next to her.

She gulped. “Connor and Da-Larry got into an argument.” She said her father’s name with a force that Evan could only describe as _frustrated_. “You were b-brought up at one point.” A small smile danced on her face. “Larry thought that you and Connor were dating.” Her smile fell. “Connor would just say ‘it’s complicated’ and didn’t elaborate. Larry took that as him lying and went on a tangent. He was saying that…” She stopped and put a hand over her mouth to hold back a sob. “H-He was saying that if he ever found that you two had dated or that he had dated another boy, he’d be disowned.”

“Connor didn’t-”

“No, he didn’t out me. We have a promise; I won’t out him and he won’t out me.” She ran a hand through her hair. “It’s just… Now I _know_ that I can’t come out. Alana wants to meet them, and she _can’t_.” She started sobbing again, latching on to Evan.

“Shh… It’ll be okay.” He started to rock back and forth. “You _sh-should_ tell your mom, though.”

“A-Are you _crazy_?”

“Zoe, she-she asked me if Connor an-and I were dating a-after the first dinner that I had ov-over here. She explained tha-that she’d be o-o-okay with it, as long as w-we were happy. All that sh-she wants is for you a-and Connor to be _h-happy_.” He smiled down at her. “Wh-Where is Larry, a-anyways?”

“Locked himself in his office.” She stood. “We should go and see my mom, make sure that she’s okay.”

“My mom is calming her down.” Zoe gave him a confused look. “S-She in-insisted o-on coming.” She just nodded and the two walked out of the room.

\--

Heidi sat in the living room with Cynthia, trying her best to calm her down. The two were silent until Cynthia was able to stabilize her breathing.

“What happened?” Heidi ran a hand up and down her back. She was about to speak when they heard the stairs creaking. They turned to find Zoe and Evan at the bottom of the stairs. “Hey.” She smiled softly at the two.

Only Zoe returned the smile.

Evan was picking at the bottom of his cast, his breathing shallow.

“Visiting hours are ending soon,” he mumbled. His mother just nodded and stood, helping Cynthia to her feet.

With that, the four left for the hospital.


	2. If I Could Tell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chaos continues and stories are told

Evan and Zoe sat in the waiting room while Cynthia and Heidi spoke to the receptionist.

“You know, I have so many stories about him,” Zoe smiled, leaning her head on Evan’s shoulder. “Before the depression and anger set in, he was such a smiley kid. He was always smiling.” She let out a chuckle. “He just felt that it was normal, but he never knew how a smile like his could make someone feel. It would just light up any room.”

“When he would get bored, before he started hurting himself, he’d draw stars and planets and galaxies on his hands and arms.” She sighed. “He’d always draw us matching planets at the base of our thumbs for everyone to see. I’d show all of my friends and they just  _ loved _ it.” Zoe let out a sniffle. “I could never bring myself to bring these back up to him.” 

“After he started sixth grade, he became distant. There were times where he’d try to reconcile, but he’d get angry again not long after and it would all come crashing back down.” She curled her legs up, her knees very close to her face. “We’re a million worlds apart now, and it’s going to take  _ forever _ to fix. That is, if he even  _ wants  _ to fix it.”

“He does,” Evan smiled. She sat up and gave him a confused look. “He… He’s coming around. He’s really realized that he’s been shitty, and wants to  _ try _ . You’re going to have to be patient with him, give him time to do things at his own pace.”

“Family of Connor Murphy?” A nurse stood there, looking tired. Zoe stood, but Evan stayed in his seat.

“They’re not going to let me go back, Zoe.” Evan frowned. “Go and see your brother. Be nice to him, okay?” She grabbed his hand and began to drag him out of his seat. He slipped his hand out of her grip. “They’re not going to let me back until he’s off intensive watch. Go see him before it’s too late.”

“How do you kn-” He gave Zoe a look, and she seemed to read it immediately.

“Believe me, I know. I can see him later, okay?” She just nodded and gave him one last hug before walking with the nurse. Heidi came back to sit with him.

“Why didn’t you go back with her?” She put her arm around her son.

“I lied a-and said I-I wasn’t a-a-allowed to g-go back yet.” He ran a hand over his cast. “I-I just-” He let out a shaky breath. “Can’t br-bring myself t-t-to go ba-ck there yet.” He rubbed his left eye. “Can’t bring myself to go back again.” The stories that Zoe told him were bouncing around in his head. Cynthia came and sat in front of them.

“Zoe and Connor wanted to talk privately,” she smiled.

“M-Mrs. Murphy, I f-feel that this is something I-I-I should b-bring up.” She looked up at Evan. “You see, I-I’ve had t-t-to talk C-Connor down a few times a-a-and there h-has been one con-consistency t-through it.” He folded his hands. “T-There is a p-possibility t-t-that his medication isn’t w-working.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, depression is caused by a chemical imbalance and everyone’s body reacts differently to different medicines. For example,” he smiled, his speech clear as day. This was a topic that he knew a fair amount about, so he was confident in his words. “I went through five different anxiety medications before I found the one that worked for me, and it’s okay if he needs to try a few different medications before he finds the one.”

“He was on-umm-this one called Depakote?"

“So, he was on a valproic acid?” She nodded. “Was it working?”

“He was constantly dizzy and had a  _ terrible _ tremor, so we switched him to an antidepressant. That’s what he’s been on. He was on a high dose for a while, but he just became emotionless and numb. After that, they lowered his dose quite drastically.” 

The problem clicked and Heidi couldn’t’ve been more proud of Evan from a both a mother’s and a nurse’s perspective for knowing all that he does and being able to sort this out on his own.

“That would be the issue.” He unfolded his hands. “Valproic acids are used to treat bipolar disorder, specifically manic episodes. An antidepressant can cause manic and depressive episodes to become worse.”

“But, he doesn’t become  _ manic _ ,” Cynthia frowned. “He becomes  _ angry _ .”

“Mania can take many forms.” He paused. “From what I’ve seen, he has an increase of what’s called ‘psychomotor agitation’.” She gave him a confused look. “He gets very fidgety and is moving a lot.” She nodded. 

“He also has more of an affinity for talking, which can usually lead to arguments. But, the biggest thing I’ve seen is that he had a decreased need for sleep. When he’s manic, he can go for  _ days _ without sleeping. He won’t feel tired, so he doesn’t sleep.” He took in a deep breath. “That’s just what it sounds like to me. You should talk with his psychiatrist and get this sorted out.” She reached forward and wrapped Evan in a hug.

“Thank you, Evan.” She let go. “It’s making a bit more sense now.”

“I-I’m just doing w-what I can t-t-to help.” He smiled.

“You really should go and see him. He was asking for you.”

“I-I… I can’t bring myself to go back there.” He looked at the door. “I mean,  _ I _ was stuck in there a few months ago. I was in  _ his _ position.” He stopped when he realized what he had said. He scratched at his arm. “I-I-I just n-need time.”

“I understand.” Cynthia stood up. “I’m going to go and see if they’re done talking.” She smiled down at the two. “You guys should head home, you both look exhausted.” Just then, Zoe walked out with misty eyes.

“Visiting hours just ended.” She gave them a wobbly smile, then walked over and wrapped Evan in a hug. “You were right,” she whispered. “Thank you, Evan Hansen.”

\--

Evan was sitting in his room again, writing lyrics to accompany the chords that he had written down before he had left. He decided to record his rough draft, knowing that he would go over it again and again until he wouldn’t be able to send it if he didn’t do it right then.

\--

Zoe came back the next morning as soon as visiting hours were open. Connor was awake, just staring at a blank wall. She was suspicious of this, so she asked the doctor.

“He has been put on a medication that will treat him correctly. He was misdiagnosed, so this is a medication that will help him. He may be a bit spacey for the next few hours.” Zoe just nodded and sat next to him. She grabbed his hand and he turned his head towards her. A small smile slipped onto his face.

“Evan made something for you. We’ll have to play it out-loud, since they didn’t want me bringing earbuds in.” She opened a text thread and played an audio file.

“ _ Hi Connor. I’m sorry that I didn’t go with Zoe to come and see you. I’ve just got bad memories with that place, ya’know?”  _ He let out a breathy chuckle that made Connor’s eyes sparkle.

“ _ Anyways, Zoe was telling me stories about you when we were in the waiting room last night. Yes, I was there. I just couldn’t bring myself to go any further. _ ” Connor noticed the soft sound of guitar chords in the background. 

“ _ Right before I got the call, I had thought of a melody. I didn’t have words for it. After this experience, I did. _ ” He let out another chuckle. “ _ I don’t have a name for it yet, but I hope you like it.” _

 

_ She said,  
_ _   
_ __ That you used to always smile.

_ Something subtle and perfect and real. _

 

_ She said,  
_ _   
_ __ You never knew how wonderful

_ That smile could make someone feel. _

 

_ And she knew, _

_ You used to draw stars  _

_ And planets on your arms _

_ For all to see. _

 

_ And she noticed, _

_ How you used to _

_ Color pictures _

_ With all the colors  _

_ that need to be seen. _

 

_ But she kept it all _

_ Inside her head. _

_ What she saw, _

_ She left unsaid. _

 

_ And though she wanted to, _

_ She couldn’t talk to you. _

_ She couldn’t find a way. _

_ But she would always say, _

 

_ “If I could tell him, _

_ Tell him everything I see. _

_ If I could tell him, _

_ Just how much he means to me. _

 

_ But we’re a million worlds apart. _

_ And I don’t know how I would even start. _

_ If I could tell him~.” _

The music stopped softly on a chord.

“ _ It’s still a work in progress. I’ll see you soon, Connor. _ ” With that, the audio ended. They both had tears in their eyes.

“Did you-”

“I had no idea,” she smiled. “He told me not to listen to it until I was here with you.” Tears streamed down Connor’s face. Zoe wiped them softly. 

The two sat in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I hope you all enjoyed! (Also, I hope you like my rewording of "If I Could Tell Her")
> 
> If I got any of the medical jargon wrong, please tell me! I did a lot of research, but please correct me if it's wrong!


	3. The Break

Connor broke the silence after about five minutes. “I just-” He cut himself off with a laugh as tears streamed faster down his face.

“I know, and it’s okay.” She ran a hand up his arm.

“Look, I’m going to keep apologizing because I’ve been so shitty for so long.” He closed his eyes. “I don’t expect you to forgive me for all I’ve done and I’m okay with that. I just want you to  _ know _ that I’m sorry, even if it means nothing to you right now.” She squeezed his hand. “I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.”

“I know,” she said softly as she ran her thumb over the top of his hand.

“A-A-And the  _ last thing _ I want to do is hurt Evan.” He wiped his face on the hospital gown that he was wearing. “I’ve put up a wall, I  _ know _ that I have.” Putting his hands over his eyes, he let out a slow breath. “I-I just… I just  _ love him so much _ .”

“I know that you do, Connor, and it’s okay. No matter what Larry told you, it’s okay for you to love him.”

“I love him so much that it  _ hurts _ .” He moved his hands and took in a few deep breaths. “Gotta calm myself before the nurses come in and sedate me,” he laughed.

“You should try to get some more sleep. I’m going to go and check on Evan, make sure he hasn’t worried himself too much.” She stood up and patted his leg. “I’ll be back this afternoon, I might even drag Acorn out here.”

“Don’t force him, okay?” She nodded.

“I love you, Connor. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

“Love you too,” he smiled as he settled back into his pillow, falling asleep quickly.

Zoe just hoped that her phone picked up the conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY, JUST TO CLEAR SOMETHING UP BEFORE IT IS MENTIONED:
> 
> I /KNOW/ THAT CONNOR'S STRING OF APOLOGIES WILL /NOT/ FIX HOW SHITTILY HE ACTED.
> 
> IT'S MEANT TO SHOW THAT HE WANTS TO /TRY/ AND MAKE THINGS BETTER.
> 
> IT'S NOT MEANT AS A ONE-TIME FIX THING.
> 
> OKAY? OKAY.

**Author's Note:**

> @ people who have followed my other pseuds: I'M SORRY FOR BEING DEAD FOR SO LONG! I got really busy with school, then I had brain surgery, and I've just really been stuck in a recovery loop for a while
> 
> Now, if I get anything wrong with behaviors or facts from the show or etc., PLEASE TELL ME SO I CAN CORRECT IT!


End file.
